Maximum Contraction

A list of ten teams that shouldn't be, from the three major sports.

10. & 9. NFL – Seattle Seahawks & Arizona Cardinals – The NFL has a perfect product, but they must be included in the list, if only to hope for a talent overflow somewhere in the league. (If I didn't enjoy the Jaguars, I'd have them and Houston here. The two teams picked have been to Championships in the last 6 years.) At least two teams really stink every year, but the Bills and Lions and Bucs and Browns (no, not them) all have great histories. Take Carolina, if you want, but two teams must go.

8. NBA – Minnesota Timberwolves – Didn't they draft two point guards in the top six overall in 2009? No one's seen either of them since (Sure, Jonny Flynn plays almost 20 MPG, but I don't watch Minny, and neither do you). They didn't draft their two best players: Kevin Love and Darmichael Beaslicic. And Nick Calathes went there and died along with the real Jonny Flynn and Rubio's rights.

7. MLB – Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – This is a good team with a great manager (like that matters in baseball). But the name makes me want to eat Bartolo Colon's hair. No one does this. They are the Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie of the MLB. Or the nerd wearing a Hollister T-shirt, when his glasses and pocket protector scream Bugle Boy. Anaheim, stop using Los Angeles' name to look cool.

6. MLB – Pittsburgh Pirates – History doesn't matter; look forward. The biggest splash they've made in the last three years is dumping Jason Bay. And we all thought he was good. I'm sorry, Andrew McCutchen. We know your secret.

5. NBA – Charlotte Bobcats – Supposedly, this is a real NBA franchise (No confirmation, as Collin is my source). If your most attractive personality is a non-player, you need contraction, even more-so if he's your owner. I'll let you keep your team when you re-replace your mascot: back to the Hornets now, jerks.

4. NBA – Toronto Raptors – Canada has a basketball team—not football or baseball, basketball. I'm no sociologist, but something seems off. Yeah, Montreal wasn't right for baseball, but Toronto would be. With all of the traveling-between-countries-with-customs woes, I'd rather the Buffalo Bills move to Toronto, then the players would only have to travel over a border 10-12 times a season (or 24, depending on the NFL's new CBA) instead of the 41 (and only 41, because Toronto doesn't make the Playoffs—don't Google, just trust......Darn you). Note: the previous portion of this paragraph was written in a Who Jays Haze. Yeah, there sure are four teams in the AL East. You're cute. What? Five? Now you're just talking crazy.

3. MLB – Florida Marlins – Yeah, they have two World Series wins in their short tenure. But their dumping of players upsets me, wins Boston a ring and puts Miggy the Alcoholic in a bad situation. You can't tell me that he would have been arrested or even drunk if he was in South Beach. Also, Hanley Ramirez told me he's tired of playing in front of twenty-nine people every night. If a city cannot fill seats for a team, they don't deserve it (Oh God, what am I saying? Mr. Weaver, I didn't mean it.)

2. NBA – New Orleans Hornets – There are three simple reasons to get rid of you, NO: it would release CP3 to run freely on a good team with management that appreciates him (or just management, which bring me to reason two) ; the NBA owns you; somehow, you're in the Western Conference. The last one discredits all names in the NBA, with New Orleans being farther East than like fourteen Eastern teams (but I'm no geographer either) and...You aren't the real Hornets.

1. NFL – Oakland Raiders – Al Davis is Jerry Jones without charisma (or the need to be liked and known, whichever Jones has). If you are affluent enough to own a professional sports team, you are not qualified intellectually to manage one. So Al, stop.